"I've heard a rant like this before!" -- Dogma

Rant Day....(in no particular order)

10) Organic Chemistry is the HARDEST CLASS EVER....if you are an engineering major and you think that ALL of your classes are harder than this one...then you should have picked a different major....cuz it's just you!

9) Yes....I have read the Twilight Series and actually enjoyed it! BACK OFF!

8) No, I have not seen the Bond movies and have no immediate plans to correct this....

7) Truth is about perception....If I say you have an accent, it is because I perceive it to be true....If you say that I am the one with the accent, it is because you perceive that to be true....we are both right....can we please move on now?

6) High heels hurt. Yeah they look good, but I don't always feel like re-attaching my toes when I get home, so I don't usually wear them. If I do feel an occasion is special enough to wear heels, please do not make a big issue out of it, because odds are I will have kicked them off in about an hour anyway.

5) Yes, I am often considered "One of the Guys" in our little group, and I will shotgun a beer and belch right along with you, pound your fist when something funny is said, and laugh at fart jokes....but please remember that I am a girl....so if we are running late because I can't decide if these shoes match that purse....adjust! (And maybe this would go faster, if you would be "One of the Girls" from time to time and tell me which ones match!)

4) Chipping a nail IS a big deal...

3) I have a black thumb...plants left in my care WILL die...I have accepted this....so should you...

2) I will leave the clock on my nightstand there...yes, it has been blinking for over six months now, but I am sure I will set it eventually....leave it alone!

And the most important....

1) Irish car bombs do NOT taste like chocolate milk....what the hell kind of milk was your momma feeding you? Men the world wide try to pass this lie off on unsuspecting women...this lie is second only to "Just the tip...."!

"Oh so THAT'S what an invisible barrier looks like!" - Heatwave (1981)

I am constantly amazed at what I learn for the small price of tuition, room, board, hours of mind numbing studying and total lack of a love life (AKA college).

But I think I actually learned something in my Biology class that explains some of the last one........

Ok, so maybe I have learned a lot in Biology that applies to a love life, but minds out of the gutters people! This is a family show!

We were learning about pre-zygotic (before the sperm and egg join to make a zygote) and post-zygotic (after fertilization) breeding barriers between different species. There are eight total......and THEY ALL apply to my life....but lets just look at the pre-zygotic barriers since post-zygotic barriers are just a pipe dream for me.

First we need to admit that men are DEFINITELY a whole other species.....I mean come on.....

OK....you get my point....

The first one is GEOGRAPHICAL....this is pretty self explanatory....the classic example here is two species that live on opposite sides of the grand canyon may be physically able to mate, but since they are divided geographically that will never happen. In the modern world of planes, trains and automobiles, you may wonder what possible geographical barriers there could be. It's simple people....I live on one side of this huge chasm and men live on the other.....but I call the chasm reality. I got a call from my ex yesterday.....and it hit me why we were never going to work.....for him, reality is an elusive creature.

The second barrier is.....HABITAT.....this is basically the fish and the bird thing....even if by some miracle they were in the same place at the same time and able to make a baby.....a fird....or a bish.....where would it live? I am a bird living with a bunch of fish! I live in a a very.....well......odd city. The men here have euro-mullets, wear skinny jeans, can tout Niche from memory and have dark tortured souls. They can NOT however change a spark plug, sit through nine innings of baseball or sing along with The Possum.

Then there is TEMPORAL isolation.....this means bad timing.....in the animal planet this means that....lets say one species mates in the spring and the other in the winter.....I am 25 years old and in college. Lets face it people, the guys I meet on a daily basis have a maturity level that mainly revolves around beer and fart jokes. They need at least five more years to ripen on the vine....but if I wait that long, I'm afraid my melons will have moved South for the winter.....

Next is BEHAVIORAL.....In the animal world this refers to the mating rituals that certain species perform that attract a mate. For example the male of the species of bird known as the Blue Footed Booby (I didn't even make that up) does a dance before mating that draws the attention of the female to it's brightly colored feet. No foot dance....no horizontal mambo..... The mating rituals of the guys I know SERIOUSLY leave something to be desired....I mean unless "Hey baby, your tits look great in that shirt." or (now I have actually gotten this one) "Man, look at those weapons of mass destruction!" suddenly becomes the modern day Shakespeare.

Then there is GAMETIC isolation. Gametic isolation literally means that the sperm and eggs will not fuse. For whatever reason (usually because the females uterus kills the sperm.....hehehe) even though the sex happens, no baby is made.....sooooo.....basically birth control....for me, I don't see what the problem is with this one......so I will move on.....

And lastly is MECHANICAL isolation.....which means that basically, the key don't fit the lock....if you know what I mean. This is not a problem I have actually come across......not that I have seen that many keys....but still after reviewing everything it takes to get in close proximity to a good key.....I am pretty sure for now, I am going to have to keep manually opening my own lock.....

My CPU is a neuronet processor, a learning computer.

I am in college, so I learn new things everyday...some things are interesting and some things are ridiculous....but still, you learn.

I was complaining the other day to my friend Mindy that when I get REALLY mad, I cry more than when I am sad.

Being that Mindy is eerily smart and has a gazillion letters after her name, she informs me that crying is not a physiological response to anger. (Her degrees are in Psychology and Counseling, so I trust that she knows what she is talking about here.) She goes on to say that we subconsciously use anger as an excuse to cry, but there has to be a hidden hurt to make you cry.

Armed with this thought provoking information....I did what most people do with profound knowledge.....nothing....I got on with my life.....

About two weeks ago I was at the Texas History Museum. I was wondering through the different displays when I came across an elderly African American gentleman looking at an exhibit on the contributions of African Americans to the formation and development of Texas. In particular I see that he is reading the accounts of African Americans who were persecuted later in the civil rights movement. He is standing there reading and holding the hand of a young boy of about five years old.


There are two things that I noticed. First was that there were tears in his eyes as he read the words that I know had to mean more to him personally than I could comprehend.....and second that the hand the little boy was holding had a Sponge Bob Square Pants band-aid on it. I know that the man had two hurts....one that went deep, and caused a physiological response that brought out tears....and one that could be healed by a kiss and a Sponge Bob band-aid. I also know that the first pain will be ok, because he had someone to care enough to give him the kiss and the band-aid.



I smiled at the scene in front of me and moved on the next display.



Last week I had to go to the hardware store to pick up some things for the new house. I am standing in line to check out behind an older gentleman in overalls, sun-worn leathery skin and a camouflage hat. He reminded me of my dad.....southern....handy....and leading a simple life. Holding his hand was a girl of about seven years old calling him "Grandpa". I smiled and then froze. On his arm was a Sponge Bob band aid.

I know it had to have been put there by the girl with the large eyes and pig-tails. Just like the one I had seen weeks before on the hand of the gentleman at the museum, someone had cared enough about his pain to try to patch it....and he had appreciated it enough to walk around with Sponge Bob on his arm.

As I left the hardware store I stopped at Subway to get dinner. There was a bit of a line so I had a little bit to watch the girl behind the counter. She was obviously having "one of those days". She was flustered by every order coming her way. When I made my way to the front of the line, I ordered my sandwich. When she was done, she asked if there would be anything else, and I asked for a chocolate chip cookie. She rolled her eyes and asked me if I saw any chocolate chip cookies. (The case was devoid of chocolate chip.)

Now those of you that know me know that this is usually the point in the story when I would pop off some witty remark to put her in her place, however, I had learned something this week.

I asked her instead, "What is your favorite?"

"White chocolate macadamia nut", she answered with a huff.

"I'll take two. Thank you!"

She handed me my bag at which point I dug out one of the cookies and handed it to her. Her shoulders slumped and her head dropped.

When she looked up, she had a sad smile and tear in her eye. "Thank you", she whispered.

"Your welcome!", I answered and walked outside.

I don't know what her hurt was that caused that tear, but I knew I did not have a Sponge Bob band aid......just a cookie.....

I'm siiiiiiingin' in the Rain!

My friend Rico Suave (name changed for security sake....his...not mine) took me out last night.

We were going to go to a show, but when we got to the club at the designated time, there were like five whole people there.....so we left.

We ended up at Rain. (In case you are not from the area....rain is short for rainbow....)

I have been to Rain a few times before with some of my friends and I have always had a good time, but this time, it was KARAOKE NIGHT!!!!!

Those of you that know me, know that karaoke is one of my favorite things on the planet. I mean, I think the act of singing your heart out in front of your friends and perfect strangers is one of the most fun things...well....ever! But I had no idea what I had walked into!

Straight karaoke and gay karaoke are nothing alike. Straight karaoke involves mass amounts of alcohol and terribly bad renditions of rock classics with some Patsy Cline's Crazy thrown in.

Ok, yeah, I am usually the one belting out Crazy but come on....it's freakin' Patsy Cline!

Anyway, gay karaoke has to be seen to be believed. These guys, are GOOD! It is a whole night of the divas being sung by guys with higher and better voices than most of the divas themselves.

Of course I had a wild hair and had to sing me some Dixie Chicks....Goodbye Earl to be exact....

I had a freaking blast! And as Rico would say....the queens....they love me!

Bye Bye Birdie!

Guys....my cool reserve and abundance of grace knows no bounds.....

"Why?" you ask.

Well, I'll tell you......because it takes a whole new level of talent and dexterity to take a SUV, speed it up to 70 mph.....and ram it into a bird.

You heard me....a bird...I swear it was the freakiest thing. I am driving along talking to Chloe (yes that is my dog...shut up) and all of a sudden this gigantic bird...I think it was an albatross....swoops down and flies right into the grill of my car!

I was stunned....

The weirdest stuff happens to me. Anyway, so I was upset that I had killed a bird....and there was no doubt it was dead. The impact shook my whole car.

But, by the time I actually got home I was over it and had moved on mentally. I mean hey, mourning is OK for a while, but there comes a time to pick up and move on with your life.

So I did. I took Chloe inside for a while and then came back out to head to work. When I came back outside I walked to my car and froze. It was one of those I-know-something-is-wrong-but-I-don't-know-what moments.

Then, unfortunately, I figured it out. Sticking out the grill of my car like a hood ornament, was the head of the kamikaze bird! Now, the body was there too, but it was just jammed into my car, so it wasn't visible....

I just stood there and stared! Holy crap! How the heck am I supposed to get that out of my car? Without touching it?

And then it hit.....I'm not! My little brother Jared is! He was coming into town that afternoon to help me move my new couch (p.s. it's awesome), so he could do it then! I was very relieved and went to work.

Unfortunately, when I got off of work that Sunday evening, it was raining (not the best couch moving weather). So we put it off.....

Here's something you may not know about birds. When they die, they rot. When they rot, they stink. If you get one stuck in the grill of your car in August, MAKE SURE YOU PUT YOUR AIR CONDITIONING ON RECIRCULATE!!!!! Especially if your selfish brother refuses to drive up from San Marcos for the sole purpose of removing said bird.

So.....on Tuesday, (yeah that is three days later) I had to beg and plead and promise all sorts of things I won't repeat to get my most AWESOME guy friend ever, Sam, to remove the bird! It stunk and was gross and WAY out of the range of things I am willing to do.

When I got into my bird-free car that night, I was struck by a realization.

Guys are like gas stations....on every corner when you don't need one, but no where to be found when you do!