"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater...than central air." - Dogma

Today I thought all of my sins had caught up with me...

Sunday mornings in my house are pretty much the same every week...no one works, and no one stirs before eleven...except the dogs of course.

They usually wake early and demand to be let out sometime around or before 8. At which point I drag myself out of bed, stumble to the back door, let them out, and stumble back to my room....

At this point I am forced to turn on the high powered, industrial sized, incredibly LOUD fan Logan left behind so the the constant barks of my dogs to not keep me awake.

Because on Sundays....oh my do they bark!

Ok, confession time! My dogs are racists. Chloe and Rasta will bark like banshees if a black person (excuse me...African American) is around. I have NO idea why....but they do. Also, Chloe HATES people in hats. She will bark and bark till you take it off....

Anyway...back to my Sunday morning....

We live across from a church...now I hesitate to call it a black church....but lets face it....it is, as only black people attend this church. Also, all the little old ladies at this church are VERY fond of Sunday hats. You see where this is going....

Anyway, so every Sunday morning as the parishioners arrive, my dogs go NUTS!!!! (thus the fan) However, this morning...crickets...NOTHING....

I didn't notice at first, but as I turned off the fan later that morning.....I realized the silence was deafening.

I went to the window to look across the street and realized...NO ONE WAS THERE...not a single car or anything. That's when it hit me...the rapture had come...and I had been left behind....

"SHIT!" I yelled....and then realized maybe that reaction could be indicative as to WHY I was left behind....but still....SHIT!

So I called my parents house immediately....and like any good God-fearing Christian home at 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning....no one answered....or were they just gone....

Two hours later my phone rings....it's my parent's house....FINALLY!

"Dad?" I ask.

"Yeah!" he said...."How'd you know it was me? Usually your mom calls."

"Well Dad," I say, "If the rapture had happened and someone from that house is calling me.....well, lets just say I am pretty sure Mom will be missed!"

He didn't get it....and that is probably best!

"1) Ahh...She's Bussiness Class. 2) What's Bussiness Class? 1) You know, big butt, can't fly coach." - Swingers

One of the worst things that has ever happened to me is probably getting to fly First Class….

Working for the airlines did have its perks…and that was one of them. Employee passes are generally upgraded to first class when seats are available.

I used to LOVE flying. The excitement of getting to go new places and the feeling of superiority that came from getting to tell my friends I was flying anywhere greatly outweighed any discomfort the actual flight might bring. Of course that was before 9/11 so it was easier all around anyway….

Then I started working for the airlines….and I couldn’t believe my good fortune….the world was literally at my fingertips….ah to hop on a plane at will and arrive rested and comfortable from the pampering of free cocktails and heated hand towels….

Now, I find myself back with the little people…..usually that statement is only literal when flying in or out of Las Vegas….the opposite is generally true in coach….

I just sat on a flight from Austin to Phoenix with a screaming child in front of me, to my right, and behind me. Of course not only was the child behind me screaming, he was also trying to bend it like Beckham with the back of my seat.

But that wasn’t even the bad part. The bad part was that the children behind me were French. I know you are a little confused right now….

“What can that possibly mean?” you ask….

Well, if the children are French then it stands to reason that the parents are French…and there is a reason that France is known for its perfume….that reason is that the French are NOT known for their hygiene. They generally find it easier to douse themselves in perfume than bathe or wear deodorant.

I sat for two hours in cloud of BAD French perfume mixed heavily with BO, while being attacked by some future soccer superstar and in the midst of symphonic screaming in surround.

…..and that is just the first leg of my trip…..wish me luck!

Dog Days of Summer

This Fourth of July weekend, I am staying with some friends of the family and my parents at a lake house on Cedar Creek Lake.

At this house, there are nine people and nine dogs....

I am about to pull my hair out! Last night I slept (and I use that term VERY lightly) on the sofa with my two dogs and then at some point in the middle of the night two more dogs joined the mix.....

If I never see another dog (other than my own) again, it will be to soon!

"I'm your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." - Spaceballs

I SWORE I would not live in a house with three girls ever again......especially not a house with three girls and three dogs....been there, done that....it SUCKED!

However, albeit temporarily, I once again find myself in a seemingly similar situation....but this time...



Me and Sarah....technically she is the girlfriend of my roommate Tim who is in Alaska for the summer....but she is living in his room for the time being....with her dog Spencer.



When you get REALLY bored one sunny summer day....and the estrogen is flowing....in our house, the wigs fly.....


Me channeling Betty Boop.....



Whoa...black hair really brings out my darker side....



Me "Boop-Oop-A-Doop"-in....with Brin and her LONG brown hair piece (it's there...trust me)....she is my girl roommate that is permanent (along with the boys in Alaska).



My black wig....Brin's brown hair piece....and Sarah's Blond wig!



Vogue!



Then the dogs got in on the fun....


Chloe as Betty....




Rasta as Veronica....



This time around....we are having MUCH more fun!