"I know I chatter on far too much... but if you only knew how many things I want to say and don't. Give me SOME credit." - Anne of Green Gables

For the third time this week I have had someone tell me that what they love about me is that I am real. You get what you see. I don't hold anything back.

Well, boys and girls....that is just a whole bunch of horse pucky....manure....BULL SHIT!

I hold A LOT back....if you only knew the things that were swirling around in my mind! Some of you (Mindy) would say, "figures....I kinda already knew that", most of you would be shocked and/or offended, and Mom....you would probably faint!

For example part of the reason there has been such a drought of blogs from me lately is because I write them and then never post them to keep mom from getting a knot on her head from hitting the floor.

Well I was ok with everyone seeing me that way...I mean no use putting your REAL self out there and risk getting hurt right.....

That would have been fine.....but something else happened this week....I got called on my bull....

Someone that I can honestly say I thought saw Surface Amy very clearly....I mean I really thought he knew that Amy backwards and forwards....(I swear I will stop with the third person shortly)....but I thought that was all he saw.....

Then he stripped me to the core.....maybe it was the fact we are CONSTANTLY together or maybe it was the serious lack of sleep during finals and the NO sleep during the mirage of "going away" get-togethers for him....but he pretty much hit the nail on the head.

SOOOOOOOOO.....where all this is going is....I am done.....at least as far as this blog goes, no more holding anything back.

I truly believe there is a very thin line between honest and brutally honest, so everyone will forever have things they hold back. I have already bordered on the brutal this week.....so in my everyday life I will continue to be THAT girl....and that is ok....

But again as far as this blog goes....no more Mrs. Nice Girl.....

I apologize in advance....but don't think this is going the be a pedestal I stand on and shout insults from....this is VERY MUCH a double headed sword.....so in all fairness I am going to start with myself!

I have extremely low self esteem.....I am FAT and have no idea if that will ever change because I come no where close to doing what I need to do to fix it.....I am very lazy....I am messy.....I am horrible at money management and am very close to that biting me in my ass....I love my friends and family more than life itself but I sometimes avoid them to keep them from calling me on everything I have already listed.....I am smart enough to do wonderful things in this life, but not the drive....I am destined to be mediocre....I fall in love with men who I KNOW will never love me back....doing it right now in fact....I have never told someone I was actually in love with that I loved them....I save those words for men that I don't love....it's safer for me but incredibly cruel....so basically I am a coward.....I have excuses for everything wrong in my life, and while some of them are true, I know them to be exactly that....excuses....

ok....enough masochism for now.....